Offering my words up as I pour them out through the form of my stories and poetry. Some are safe...all our delightfully hedonic.



The Nature of Me

Back during my freshman year of college, I had a Communication Arts class and I was asked to write about myself. Every now and then I will re-read my work and look over what I've written to see how things have changed, if they have, from then till now.

Jasmine W
"The Nature of Me"
ENG lOl-98
July 16, 1998
Essay 5 

Everything in life happens for a reason. In considering my life, I can say that many different forces have shaped me into the individual I am today. Not all the forces in my life have been positive ones. Though, with each new experience, I have learned more about myself and other people. These different experiences continue to shape my life and will continue, as I become older. 

Self-esteem is a vitality that has been an enemy of mine for a long time. Ever since I can remember I have always had a problem being happy with myself. It mainly stems from the teasing and taunts that I received back in elementary school and further developed while in high school. I was nicknamed "twizzler lips", "pimple face", and many others that are too harsh to be named. I always believed that there was something really wrong with me. I used to look down at the ground to avoid people's stares. I would spend long periods of time in front of the bathroom mirror just looking at myself wondering what in the world was wrong with me. 

I had many friends of the same sex as myself. They weren't judgmental of me at all; they accepted me for the person that I was. It was the opposite sex that gave me the most trouble. Unfortunately, I allowed my outlook on life to become influenced with their derogatory statements about me. Whenever I would go to school dances, my friends were always asked to dance and I was always sitting on the bleachers. If I turned around I always found a group of guys humiliating me. I just walked away before I started to cry. My friends told me not to worry and to just shake it off. Those memories still stick with me after such a long time. Till this day I still have trouble making friends with fellas. I don't go out with many. Either I am out with one of my girlfriends or I am alone.
Friendship is another force that I have dealt with for a long time. I have made many friends throughout my life, some are closer than others. I pick my friends very carefully. My friendships are based on mutual interests, personality, ambitions, and many other characteristics. I still keep in touch with most of my friends, but there are some friendships that have dissolved. For me, it is hard to try and make friends. 

When I was a freshman in high school, the other black females in my class alienated me from the rest of them. I socialized with my own friends and they were white. I didn't have a problem with this at all but apparently the black girls within my class did. They called me racial names such as "oreo". The situation became even worse when I became a sophomore. The incoming black freshman didn't care for me anymore than the black females within my class. Even though this ordeal went on for two years, my friends stood beside me. That experience taught me that friendship knows no color.

I have also learned that just because someone might say they are your friend doesn't necessarily mean they are. Some friendships can be very deceitful. These kinds of friendships are the ones where the so-called friend is just a leach. They are always asking for a favor but they never or rarely return one. I have these kinds of friends and I help them out but I keep a mental note of everything I do for them.
Another important value in my nature is trust. I am very careful of who I confide in. I am not comfortable just telling my problems to just anyone. My best friend from elementary school has been my confidant for over ten years. Even going to different high schools and colleges hasn't changed our close friendship. I have many close friends, but she is the one I would consider my closest. If I have a problem or concern, she is always there to give her opinion and I respect her for that. She in turn trusts me enough to let me know what concerns her as well. 

Even though trust can be earned, there is always the possibility that it can be lost. Whenever that faith has been broken or I feel betrayed, I would not talk with the person for a while or just completely cut them off socially. I rarely give second chances to anyone unless I have a good reason. Of course, I am doubtful of the person and I keep a closer eye on the individual. 

Relationships and love tend to fall into the same spectrum. This force is also an enemy of mine. I don't have that much experience if any with dating. I do go out to parties and meet guys but I never call them when they offer their phone numbers. I just end up throwing them away or just passing them on to a friend. I know the kind of man I would like to meet. I think about it all the time. My problem is I have yet to find him. My biggest fear is that I won't find someone who will accept me for who I am. I can definitely say I am a unique person. When I am having a conversation with a guy I take into account different things. Their attitude, attire, speech, and other considerations play a part in gathering an image from the person. 

A relationship is not a priority on my agenda right now. I enjoy entertaining myself or going out with a friend. I am just 19 years old, I have plenty of time to become involved with someone else ifl choose to be. A relationship in my opinion should be based on interests. As the bond becomes stronger, other feelings might grow or even change. One of these feelings would be love while another would be trust. If those two emotions are together within my heart and mind, then I feel comfortable being around that person and sharing my feelings with him. I don't mind spending my time with him and helping out with any dilemma. He in turn would let me know how much he appreciates me as a person and as a companion. Of course I know these types of relationships do not happen overnight, they take a long time to develop. 

Yet with love there is always the possibility of being hurt. I know this first hand, even though I go through my day being casual and minding my own business, my heart still tightens up when I see a couple kiss or hold hands, then I look beside me and see my purse or just a wall. My friends say not to worry and that Mr. Right will eventually come my way. I know they mean well but sometimes I have an uncomfortable feeling as though I am a charity case. Some of my girlfriends try to set me up on dates with guys that have the most unusual backgrounds. I want to be able to meet a guy that none of my friends know and just gather an opinion of him for myself. It would be nice to meet a person for the very first time with him not having any previous knowledge about me. 

What I always tell myself is that I am an independent person and I can get through life on my own. It would be nice to be with someone but I do not need anyone to make me feel my own self worth. I know that I am special and there is no one else like me. I am a unique person and if someone does not care for something that has to do with me, I know that I am not the problem, they are.

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